I have one of those things they call dates tomorrow night, probably, and I'm a nervous mess about it. That's not really my usual m.o., so it's possible I might actually like this one, I don't know. Ordinarily, if I'm dreading something like this, it's because I have a phobia about boredom, and most first dates are, well, boring. This feels different though. Scary.
This guy, let's call him S., and I have kind of tried to go out a couple of times before, but the scheduling didn't quite work, and I was a little ambivalent about the whole thing. I always really liked hanging out with him, and felt like I should really want to go out with him, but I was never all that attracted to him. That changed though, when I ran into him one night last week. Maybe because he was looking a little less perfect than he usually does. He had a little stubble happening, his shirt was a little rumpled, worked for me, in a big way.
We went to high school together, so i feel like, even though I don't know him that well now, I have a really good sense of who he is, if that makes any sense. The words that come to mind are smart, kind, and sane. In my last relationship, with the zombie, he was so fucked up himself, he couldn't begin to figure out how to deal with my crazy when it got bad. He more or less believed me when I told him it was all his fault. I'm just that delightful when I'm bad crazy. S, though, I can see being able to be more of a real partner, whether I'm crazy or not. And that would probably be what's got me all anxietied up. If I'm dating someone who's not really kind of a dick, what am I supposed to do with my commitment phobia? A klonopin habit, perhaps?
Then there's my weirder weirdness. It still bothers me to have to acknowledge just how flawed my last relationship was, two and a half years later. it makes me feel stupid for having chosen it, for having really believed it was going to work. It also makes me feel guilty, for my part in the suck. The zombie tried really hard to be a good boyfriend, in lots of ways. I was just too crazy to let him do that. It wasn't all my fault it didn't work out, but it probably was all my fault it got as ugly as it did. It got really, really, ugly. Just the possibility of another break up like that, and there's always that possibility, as long as both of you are alive, makes me want to lock myself in my house forever, like Rapunzel, but without the witch, or all that hair.
I feel like i should be over all of that by now. It's been two and a half years. Zombie and I haven't even spoken in something like two years. And on a daily basis, I'll think that I am over it. I don't think about him anymore, don't have the very worst moments on mental repeat anymore. But then something like this comes up, and I realize it's still there in my head, just a little farther back than it used to be.
And I have no idea what to wear tomorrow night.
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Hey there, it's r2, except I changed my name...it's boring to have the same name all the time, ya know?
I have no idea what to say about dating, or what to wear. It's been 26 years since I've been on a date, unless you count the ones w/DFH.
Anyhow, just wanted to say Hi.
Posted by: lostandfound | 08/26/2009 at 02:02 PM
Hi r2/l&f! You're my very first commenter over here :).
I kind of hate the whole dating thing anyway, but apparently I have to try to do it if I don't want to die alone. I'm on the fence.
Posted by: Bipolarista | 08/26/2009 at 03:05 PM
a fashion queen like you? Please, just wear cute shoes and nothing else matters! With features like yours, you can't go wrong :)
I guess it's a good thing that you know what you're capable of when you encounter the scary boys...that's a first step! There are all levels of fucked up; chances are, he's already dealt with some pretty high rated chicks in his life and he thinks you're worth it...
Posted by: kimmishere2 | 08/26/2009 at 03:28 PM
I <3 Kim! I'm going to start just emailing you whenever I need an ego boost.
Posted by: Bipolarista | 08/26/2009 at 03:38 PM
" just wear cute shoes and nothing else"
That's how I read it the first time. Heh, probably not a good idea, although there is the whole naked gardening thing...
Posted by: lostandfound | 08/26/2009 at 04:22 PM
I'm pretty sure there will be no naked gardening tomorrow night. I guess anything is possible, but that's extremely unlikely.
Besides, cute shoes and nothing else seems more appropriate for maybe the third date, you know?
Posted by: Bipolarista | 08/26/2009 at 04:28 PM
Just saying hi at your new blog. Not like I have words of wisdom about dating (ha!)
Posted by: sorrel | 08/26/2009 at 05:58 PM
Thanks for stopping by, Sorrel! I'll happily take your words of wisdom whenever you do have some. I promise I won't always be writing about boys and shoes.
Posted by: Bipolarista | 08/26/2009 at 06:39 PM
i don't think he'll be looking at your shoes. maybe a cute pushup top instead?
Posted by: reddog | 08/26/2009 at 07:34 PM
Of course this is kind of scary. It isn't just a date with some random guy you met at a bar, you know? This is someone who you knew, even if it was years ago. Not to mention that you see potential in him, which means it could lead to more than just dating, but (*gasp*) a possible relationship with a future, not just a one night fling or whatever. With the added bonus of still being weirded out by relationships because of your last one... well, I can definitely see where the nervousness is coming from.
There is no time limit on how long it takes to get over something like a bad relationship ending. Not to mention that it is definitely something that you would start to think about when the possibility of a new one arises.
Of course, this is coming from someone who is afraid of commitment, doesn't have anyone in her life (and hasn't for almost 2 years... and I mean NO ONE. My sex life ended when I hurt my arm), and is going to die alone... but just because *I* am, doesn't mean YOU have too! lol
What to wear... Don't go too far onto the slutty-esque side since this one might have further dating potential (so you might not want to throw in all of the heavy artillery too soon). A great pair of heals is a must since they always make one's legs look fabulous...
Oh, I don't know if I make any sense. Don't mind the crazy lady drive-by.
Posted by: Ophelia | 08/26/2009 at 07:34 PM
Reddog, all my tops are push up tops these days, as about half the med weight has gone directly to my chest. I went from a 34D to a 36DD in like amonth. So that part's a given.
Opie, you totally make sense. And you even did a pretty good job of talking me down. And you will meet boys again, I promise. It's just not time, you've got a lot of other stuff going on right now.
Posted by: Bipolarista | 08/26/2009 at 11:01 PM
Date is tonight!!! Hope it goes well! Have fun!
Posted by: Ophelia | 08/27/2009 at 05:29 PM
Date was postponed till next Thurs., so I get a whole 4 days more to angst!
Posted by: bipolarista | 08/30/2009 at 07:40 PM
why?
Posted by: Ophelia | 08/30/2009 at 10:53 PM
Because he had to work till like 8:30. He wanted to go out on Sat., but I'd spent all day crying about Sita and sleeping, so I really wasn't up for it.
Posted by: bipolarista | 08/31/2009 at 03:35 PM